Illumination

Today has been something of a revelation. After waking up and feeling hungry/anxious I did the 20 minute workout etc. Because it was a beautiful day I went for a walk rather than swimming as I’d planned. It was a lovely walk even though uncomfortable because of the asthma which was present and the wind, but nonetheless I enjoyed it even though it was tiring.

When I came back I was in a totally different space. It felt like ‘home’ a calm space where the thoughts, fears and emotions couldn’t get me. Yes I was aware of them but they had no hold on me and didn’t distract me in the way that they usually did. I also had a strong feeling of both compassion and gratitude for all the beauty around me which brought me frequently close to tears. It all felt like such a wonder. I also became aware of so many things at the same time. 1) I could no longer keep on pushing. I’d been doing this since starting my business and trying to get clients, signing up for webinars which I often didn’t turn up for, stressing about money and how to make some. I would push myself to ‘get out there’, to be more public so that people were aware of me and the products that I was offering. To be honest for the amount of stress I put on myself when doing it, the result wasn’t particularly good and definitely not closely connected to the amount of work/stress that I put in and particularly on myself! I realise I can’t do this anymore. My body/Soul doesn’t want to go this way this fighting reality that I’ve been doing in order to make a living. It’s too disruptive and too stressful. I feel that it’s now getting in the way of where I need to go. I need to feel much more into what my heart/Soul want me to do. It seems so easy but it isn’t really when there is so much conditioning out there saying how we should have a business and make it grow etc. I need to let all of that go now and just follow my Soul wherever it takes me. It’s as scary as hell to acknowledge that but it is what I feel I need to do. To keep on fighting reality just causes, stress, war within myself and general unhappiness. Following my Soul and trusting it completely feels more like ‘home’ and peace. The trick now is to be able to incorporate this practice more fully into my life. I have the image of ‘the calm within the storm’ which is based on a Heart IQ process but I feel that it’s a fundamental way to live. None of this is new and I’ve paid lip-service to it for years but now I have to do it for real; live it no matter what it takes. Meditation is the heart of this as that helps me to find that Soul/home space from which to find peace and direction in my life. I practised with the wind today. I sat in the wind, feeling it blow all around me, feeling the distractions that could arise in response to that feeling of being blown but choosing to stay in my calm Soul/home space even as I was aware of that. 2) The making of meaning has taken over my life. I like having a handle on the events and feelings of my life and therefore, given a certain situation, emotion or thought, will interpret it, try to find meaning, worry it like a dog with a bone until I can get an answer that will satisfy my mind which of course never does because as soon as I think I have a solution to one thing something else arises and I go through the whole process again. All the time I’m making meaning, often negative about the events in my life and living according to that interpretation, regardless of whether that is correct or not! So I’m feeling that now I have to let go of making meaning. Yes, a certain thought, feeling, or situation might mean something that I can predict and the trick here I feel is to be able to be aware of the possibility that events etc. could transpire in a certain way whilst being in no way attached to that particular interpretation. So this is to bring a kind of objectivity to my interpretation, allowing it to transform into what it will be whether this is something that I feel is particularly positive or not. My preference for what happens will have no direct effect on the outcome except to cause stress because my preference was for something different. So as well as being objective to the events in my life, this brings in the practices of Beginner’s mind, letting go of my attachment to my interpretation and preferences as well as being willing to see things as they are and not as how I want them to be – in other words giving up the fight with reality.

Another realisation is that spiritual practice and Heart IQ work is like mining. If we’re aware of our situations and responses we’re constantly digging deeper into who we think we are to find the true gold of who we really are, becoming aware of the dross and crap of our conditioning and deciding to stay firm with that authentic part of ourselves which can guide us through our Heart and Soul to bring whatever gift we came here to give as completely as possible.